Baap ray baap!

Note: I was asked to guest blog for Pooja this week, since she's out scooting the country.

I can’t say I did an enormous amount of research on India before Megan and I visited Pooja. But, you know, I prepared in my own little way. I read The Namesake, saw the trailer for Slumdog Millionaire, got my eyebrows threaded, and ate plenty of Trader Joe’s boxed Indian meals.

As it turns out, there was a lot about India I didn’t know. So, this guest blog post will serve as a PSA: Five Lessons Learned.

1. Imagine you find yourself at 10:00pm at a deserted gas station parking lot, waiting for a bus that no one around has ever heard of. Would you know how to convince the bus owner (whose phone number you have) to come pick you up? Pooja Bhatia sure did … by implying to the bus owner that we were writers for Lonely Planet. Um, sure. Within seconds a guy on a moped showed up and shuttled us to our bus. Lesson learned? The Lonely Planet isn’t just your tour guide, it’s your secret weapon.

2. You may think that while visiting India, you’ll be forced to use an Indian toilet. After five days of successful avoidance, I found myself in a precarious situation. I desperately needed to pee, we were at a historic fort, and all that was available were these holes in the ground that Indians call a toilet. After careful thought I decided it was urgent, and Pooja was caring enough to practice squats with me. Mid-squat, a small woman runs into the bathroom screaming: “Toilet for foreigners! Toilet for foreigners!” She unlocked the doors to the secret normal toilet tucked away in a corner. I swear it was sent straight from heaven. Lesson learned? Never give up the search for a normal toilet.

3. While shopping in India, you will undoubtedly get screwed. But this is ok, because even when you’re screwed, you’re paying like $2 for a scarf. However, once you start getting into fine jewelry, the bills can add up to $10, and so your approach requires a little bit more finesse. Like knowing how you can get everything you can from the store owner. Lesson learned? If you stall long enough, you’ll always be offered free Fanta.

4. After eight days of sight-seeing, we arrived in Mumbai. And we were very thirsty. After interrupting a Bollywood model party and having a bartender assume that we hadn’t heard of a Jaeger Bomb before, and give us a painstakingly long (and technically incorrect) description, we found ourselves at a disco club called Polly Esthers. Um, and yeah, it took me like 12 hours to get the irony. Anyways, onto the lesson. After several rounds of drinks and Pooja busting a move or two, she was surrounded by potential suitors. Because this is India, and not Rush & Division, they were actually really cute and nice, and not at all pushy. Until Pooja made one angry. Lesson learned? When you give someone a fake number, do not have your phone out so that they can clearly see that after dialing the number that your phone isn’t ringing.

5. So this post has two peeing stories. Deal with it. But this one’s quick. We once found ourselves at a roadside rest stop where the women’s bathroom consisted of a tilted slap of concrete, surrounded by a 3-foot brick wall, with a small hole carved into low corner. Splatter, central. So obviously we walked out to a field to pee right open on the Indian countryside. Of course, as is the case with bathroom usage in India, it’s never simple. Lesson learned? When peeing in the grass, make sure it’s not directly onto a dead goat.

In all seriousness, my visit to India was the trip of a lifetime. The main lesson I learned in India was that Pooja Bhatia is the most amazing tour guide you could ever hope for. She should charge. Seri. (Thanks too to Carolyn and Michael for sharing their apartments!)

And I’m out. Hope Pooja updates this soon with something much funnier and shorter.

- Jaim